Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up..
It has it’s beautiful and ugly moments. Journeys that have no specific destination in sight. Wishing upon stars for miracles that will never come true. Holding onto whatever hope you have left just to get by. People running away from who they really are and what they want to become get lost in translation; nameless faces, brilliant places… they will be seen someday. Even if it’s not this day, something worth writing a book about will happen and when it does, you’ll be ready with open arms.
Late nights shared between two people; two souls. Time has stopped; Spoken words are exchanged. Nothing happens, unfortunately; let’s change that. Hold me close, your body against mine; pleasure is what they call it. Attraction is the name of the game we play; Gentle touches lead to soft kisses. Soft kisses leading to a lot more than what was planned. The rest of the night is spent in each other’s arms, holding and caressing. Playing with the soft locks of my hair; I look into your eyes that scream of wanting. You look back with a halfway smile while you grab my hand and hold it close to your heart. It actually beats; you’re human after all. Smile is all I’m capable of doing. It’s all I ever wanted do whenever I was around you. Slowly I start to close my eyes and drift off to sleep in hopes that you’ll be there in the morning when I wake up, with my hand still at your heart feeling it beat against my hand.
Have you ever tried giving yourself to another person? Feels odd, doesn’t it? There’s this excitement tingling in your fingers, but fear creeps up your back. Somehow or other, we’re just never able to fully surrender. There’s always this little bit of us that we hold dear to our hearts, never letting go. I don’t have to ask, “Why can’t we just give ourselves away” because the answer is too simple. We’re human. We’re selfish.
Someone once told me, Never give more of yourself than the other person. It kept me wondering all night. How do we measure something only tangible by the heart? Do we make a list? “Times He Stood For Me vs. Times I Stood For Him”? How is it possible that one person can love another, yet set down rules and guidelines to prevent hurt?
The way I see it, hurt is inevitable. You could try to avoid it, suppress it, plan your day around your horoscope readings and love another person based on set rules. But really, you’re not avoiding it. You’re avoiding you. Pain is good sometimes. It teaches us to feel the entire spectrum of emotions. That we are then better able to appreciate joy.
And this was what my mind was set on today.
you were happy once; you were sunshine and smiles and a brightness that radiated. you may be cloudy now, you may not want to sing. you may just want to fold inside of yourself, on the oldest couch you can find, by the biggest window, and watch it rain. you used to find that little things made you happy; now you can’t even find the big things. somehow, along the way, you lost yourself. one foot in front of the other, sweetheart, and you will find your way back.